There One Where I Almost Had My Smile Slapped Off

This weekend I planned on spending Memorial Day going to PA to visit with my twin nieces family, which instead turned into a completely impromptu trip to Nashville to visit friends – one of which I have grown up with all of my life and haven’t seen in a year on account of him having been living in Antarctica and his sister, whose baby I hadn’t seen since he was three weeks old this past Christmas. The generosity and United FF miles of GFN allowed me to fly there quite cheap. And another friend, to extend my stay because were having a such a great time and they (and I) didn’t want me to leave yet. So I switched my flight from Monday AM to Monday PM and ended up having to catch a layover flight in Newark. This is where this story begins.

At Newark, there was this girl who was boarding the plane. She was yelling into her phone dropping f-bombs left and right as she entered the cabin. Turns out, there is someone more annoying than that crying baby or the temper-tantruming two year old. I found her and she lives in New York. 

Appropriately enough I’m sporting a shirt with a Pegasus on it because my seatmate, I later learned, was a gay guy going to visit his new boyfriend for a few days. He originally hailed from Rhode Island, was from Brooklyn and had been drinking the past four hours while waiting on stand-by for a flight after missing his 5 o’clock. So his filter wasn’t quite on, which became an interesting fact once once this girl sat down in the row behind us and her argument with the other side of the phone didn’t stop. He said audible but lightly, "Leave the ghetto in Harlem, girl," and then giggled.

Once I realized she didn’t hear him, I began to allow my internal laugh to become audible and said, “You just said what everyone was thinking. But I’m not getting in the middle of this fight.”

He laughs. And then each time she got a little more ornery we both giggle. She hangs up. Evidently, she had heard us laughing while she was carrying on her conversation, because she begins to talk at her mom: "I DON'T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE BE SMILIN AND LAUGHIN’. THAT'S RUDE. I'LL SLAP THE SMILE OFF OF THEM. LAUGHING IS SO ANNOYING."

My seatmate turns around to address her: Why would you want to stop people from laughing? Laughing is good for you. She responded – and I’m not verbatim, but this is as close as I can recall, "EXCUSE ME. I DON'T LIKE WHAT PEOPLE BE LAUGHING ABOUT. IT'S RUDE DEY LAUGHING AT PEOPLE." Something. Something. She continues to talk loudly to her mom about how rude other people are.

So he puts his headphones in cause she still goes on about how rude it is. Not long after we’re told to turn off our portable electronics. And while ascending he starts his hat that had fallen off of his knee. He was feeling under his chair and when he found it he brought it up and it and goes "Here it is!" He took a moment to look at it goes, "This isn't mine"

I realize this is one of those ‘you had to be there’ things.

So ten minutes later we're still giggling about how stupid funny it was and that it was a total you had to be there moment. I said something like "What are the chances that someone else has a hat under your chair?" 

In response to my talking to him, she leans up to my chair and says "I hear you sayin’ somethin’ about a hat under a chair. We have hats under the chairs. You got a problem with that?!" I think she wanted to cut me.

Immediately we both began to explain what happened: It was funny because he picked up the wrong hat thinking it was his. She immediately recoiled: “Oh". And then in an unexpected turn of events, I think she began to think that when we were laughing at her earlier, and when she started talking about slapping off smiles, that we were laughing about something else. So, win for Row Five, Seats A, B.

I kept my smile, guys. Home again, after a great weekend visiting friends. And they say that you are the company that you keep, so I guess I'm pretty fucking awesome.