The Difference Between Hope and Faith (and butterflies)

This guy friend; we've known each other for a while, but only recently began to put time into building a friendship. We're similar in the sense that we're particular who we fancy and date with purpose and reason and that neither of us have found someone recently who has made us feel that purpose. Today, we had a conversation. In speaking about past relationships, this is part of it:

me:  ya. your biggest mistake will be your greatest asset. 
ER:  So how do you get around biggest mistake is biggest asset??? Vicious circle much? 
me:  hahaha. there is no circumventing. everything you've gone through just takes you where you need to be. you have to deal. 
ER:  Haha.As silly as this is I see tons of parallels to HIMYM me:  as silly as what is?
ER: Summation: Meets/dates plenty of girls who are close but not quite right ... Loses faith along the way ... Holds out hope that it's out there. 
me:  Ya. We're the Ted fuckin Mosby's of the world. it sucks. but the story is awesome.if it makes you feel any better, i thought I was getting married in my early 20s, i was most upset that i never got to collect any "stories". so consider it a good thing. : ) 
ER:  Non parallel to show to is the one thing that keeps me going is watching my step dad (father) treat my mom the same way after 25 years ... He worships the ground that she walks on 
me:  I want THAT. And I"m holding out for it. I'm so glad you say it exists. 
Because sometimes I'm not so sure. 
ER:  It does... But it's not always appreciated... 
me:  I want that kind of love that when he dies, I die. No matter how long I live. 
ER:  Yes 
me:  I'm told I'm overreaching with this desire. I'm not sure I care. Anything else would feel like settling. 
ER:  Agreed .... And that's while ill be happier than everyone else .... Some people don't care .. I do. 
me:  I care about it probably more than anything. You can take anything away from me and as long as I have true love, I'll be happy. I've thought this for as long as I can remember. Some people don't believe in soul mates. I absolutely do. There is destiny and fate as much as there is hope and faith.

Faith lets us hold out for - and on to - the things hope lets us desire. I hope that kind of love exists for me. I will wait, because I have faith that it does. 

***

Earlier, on a somewhat related topic - concerning dating this guy I'm not sure about:

C: why do you worry about it?
me: cause i don't want to waste his time
C: well isn't any relationship that doesn't end in marriage a "waste of time"? I mean, it's not, but all the same, you never know when you're in it.  
me: not if it teaches you something; takes you somewhere else. but what if you go into that knowing it.
C: well you'd probably never go into relationships. that's where not knowing in life is the best.
me: "there's something about you i dont like and i can't put my finger on it so chances are if i can't pin point it, its staying"
C: that's how you feel about him?
me: on sunday, yea.
C: hmm. well you are a libra. and you will go back and forth
me: not when there's certainty
C: right but what gives you that certainty?
me: butterflies.

In keeping...

I don't want these days to end.

The ones I hated. The ones that broke my heart. The ones that wounded me. The ones that left me standing in the middle of a room crying alone with my face in my hands.

Todder

Whoop. Nope. Back to this!

This weekend consists of taking off work early, driving to Baltimore, running a half marathon (if my sprained ankle from twisting it in 5 inch heels during birthday festivities lets me ::knocks on wood::), partying in a sister city and horseback riding on a 73 degree high and sunny fall Sunday. Best part is, no one to answer to; no one to miss. And I still have the random ego-fluffing from a number of "gentleman callers" as Blanche Devereaux would put it. 

Speaking of, I got this message in my inbox today on okc: You are so beautiful. I find it really hard to believe that you are single unless it is by choice, because someone didn't treat you right. Would you be interested in getting to know each other better? 

Ah, the age old "what is wrong with you" question in disguise. Correct, good sir, I am single by choice. I'm glad that's still an option; suppose I didn't even realize it was an box I could acceptably check. Sweet! And there's a hilarious bunch of us. Sweeter!

Also, 16 minutes before that one, this one rolled in: Oh my wow, you are the definition of BREATHTAKING

Breathtaking?! Me? Okay, yes. I will take breathtaking any day of the week. I hope he wasn't a Seinfeld fan. 

Wake up, Sunday

::Wake up, Sunday:: Surprisingly chipper, but likely just still drunk. I get a text from a guy I don't quite know and try to convince him to drive 45 minutes to make me waffles. No dice. Online dating is clearly just a sham and there's no such think as an easy waffle. Even on your birthday. 

My friend who took care of me and got me home the night before - after the birthday festivities - leaves. I would later text him to find out why my mouth tasted like pizza. "You had pizza last night.". Well, that explains that.

Mid-day, I would request that my birthday "Pizza Party" turn into a Thai food delivery party because that fucking taste of stale, drunk, vodka pizza would never leave my mouth; even after brushing, brunch, Pepto Bismol and an entire box of Wintergreen Altoids. At that point, I thought I would throw up if I tasted anything that was remotely pizza-like, given the state of my mouth for the past 10 hours. That would not have been a sexy kiss.

But I didn't know. When I got up all I knew was 1. It was my birthday and 2. food. This is a good sign to wake up from your own birthday party not on the floor of a bathroom and in your own bed...and actually hungry and able to eat. My hangovers take the form of nausea and I usually spend the day trying to feed it better...with mixed results. After the waffle delivery failed, I called my girlfriend "Get up. It's time for brunch!" A buffet of delicious, it was. And then, four hours later, I thought I was going to hurl on the floor of her car: All of that delicious crab leg, biscuits and gravy and fruit and cheesecake mess...and maybe some old pizza, all while on our way to get another ice cream cake. Because that's all I wanted for my birthday and the slice the night before, while a heavenly surprise, only wet my palette for more. And apparently I am not fazed by the need to vomit when ice cream cake is involved.

When it comes to certain things for me, self control does not exist. DQ ice cream cake is one of those things. And apparently Altoids.

The day was spent watching one of my favorite movies and eating ice cream cake, reminiscing about the night before and assessing my bruises. Its been so many years since a birthday made me feel special; and I am well-aware I have my gracious friends - my chosen family - to thank. And while the appeal of a hangover never existed, it's kind of losing it's charm. I have one year left to test every hangover remedy ever, but I think after 30 it's probably not considered cute anymore. 

"I'm okay with that," she thinks. And merrily strolls into the arms of Twenty Nine...

Like Really Real

10/08/12 - Evening: I just wrote myself a note on a post-it that was meant for something entirely different.

As I went to write an actual memo, listening to this song, I was suddenly smacked in the face with the thought: I’m ready to fall in love again. And then I went to write that and a question came out. I couldn't write it down for certain. It is still a question at the hands of my pen.

So then I stopped to ponder and wonder that maybe it was just the song – whose live version I find so gut-punchingly moving and I don’t know why. Or the movement of the stars towards something and out of life-lesson mode. Or the first chill of winter curling it's fingers and toes around the corner of this year. Or the fact that an old coworker - who was my fellow single something - came by today with his five month old (who isn't someone you imagine with babies) and my ovaries ached for a second. For the first three years we worked together, he went on about his singledom and how he may never get married and then one day he came back in the middle of winter and said he had spent time with a girl he knew from college...and I knew he would never be single again. Two years later and they’re married with a kid.

Life can go on for so long, so unchanging to the outside world of oneself, and then in a matter of seconds and then monumental months EVERYTHING is different. I am now at a point in my life where the idea of all of that change so suddenly scares the living daylights out of me. Or perhaps I have never been a big fan of change, but never took the time to notice before. Or, perhaps, I've never been quite so content, and scared that one rock in the wheel will shut down the system and I end up face down on the pavement with my Rollerblade wheels still spinning in the air. Or perhaps...I’m just a weenie.

I can’t decide.

Nor, apparently, can I decide if I am actually prepared for love again. It’s been so long now since last I fell in love. Fall 2004 was the last time. The last first time I said 'I love you' was in March of 2005. (College offers a timeline for everything when you think of life in semesters.) So we’re heading into eight years since the last time I fell into love. What if I forgot how to? And even if I wanted to end up face-in-the-pavement, ass-in-the-air in love, what about my life alone? What happens to that then? And why am I over-thinking this so much when I have been in love three times in my life and each of those I willingly stumbled into without a second thought? This is like seven thoughts and there isn't even a viable prospect in sight – only the idea that I may be willing again.

What has become of my heart? Has it been warped by the whiplash of the last five years? Is this a natural progression with age? Or perhaps it knows before my mind, that next time it could be real. Like really real. And I suppose that’s a scary concept – even at twenty nine. 

How do I love more than just me now when I've learned to love myself so much? Are we allowed to admit those things? Self-love; I don’t know. But there it is - concerns and all.

Autumn

Suddenly autumn comes and it's cold again. A feeling of survival burying beneath the fallen leaves, waiting to unearth once winter fades. Blankets added; the heft of the fabric weight and the comfort of a warm bed feels so much more welcoming than months passed. Outside was so much more appealing then. Now, the winter is coming and the sun fades back behind clouds and leafless trees; skin transitions to pale and each species adapts to look like the season upon us. The world scurries back inside. Wardrobe changes and man-made heat again become regular elements of a household once warm with the sweltering sun of summer. Tucked away under blankets with heaters, afraid of the tinge of cold so fast - humans take time to adapt - the world hides inside afraid of the season. The cyclical transition strikes anew. We're unprepared. Suddenly, autumn comes and it's cold again.

Twenty Nine, At Saturn's End

Well, that time has come again, dear friends. I'm getting older. Not that I wasn't older since yesterday or even since I just typed the world "yesterday". Wait ... okay, I'm older again. But that fateful day is again upon us that marks the time, the year, and the triumph that I am, indeed, a document-able year older. And this time, I am confident to say much wiser, as well.

This weekend not only marks my 29th year - my last year as a 20-something, here we go!, but also it marks the end of Saturn's retrograde through Libra::

But the biggest birthday present arrives on October 6, when challenging Saturn leaves your sign after three long years. Since October 2009, Saturn’s turned your life into a personal identity boot camp, pushing you to reinvent from the ground up. Look back to who you were back then: were you a wallflower, a people-pleaser, a fence-sitter? Have you become more bold, decisive and prone to follow your internal compass? Viva la difference! During this period, you’ve added structure, new habits, learned self-reliance—and are far stronger for it. Saturn has been teaching you how to solve your own dilemmas, instead of grabbing your phone and dialing your go-to pal for advice or support. Now, you consult your inner voice first. Please pause to congratulate yourself: this accomplishment is no small feat for your sign, which rules the zodiac’s partnership house. You’re a natural collaborator, most comfortable with “we”-time than “me”-time. Perhaps as the result of some hair-raising, nail-biting or teeth-grinding experiences, Saturn forced you become your own champion. Now that’s some personal growth.

and it was. Now we're here (::puts on mortarboard::):

Here’s the good news: Saturn’s laborious three-year visit gave you a chance to trade your silken-voiced seductions and antiquated avoidance tactics for authenticity and hard-won self-awareness. Yep, you got real, with yourself and others. Now, you have buckets of wisdom to share. (See, we told you there were endless reasons to celebrate!) [...] by now “the truth shall set you free” means a lot more than bumper sticker wisdom. Consider yourself liberated. 

On October 6, structured Saturn moves into Scorpio, your second house of work, money and self-esteem, for the next three years. Now that you’re clear on who you are, it’s time to root your new identity into some concrete forms, like, say, a bigger paycheck. The second house and Saturn both help you prioritize (a boon for notoriously indecisive Libras). Between now and September 2015, you’ll gradually pinpoint what’s most important to you: is it rising in your career? Setting the world on fire? Finding your true love? Having a bambino or two? Once your priorities are clear, make decisions accordingly, building your life around these values and priorities. Saturn in Scorpio helps you focus on depth rather than breadth.

You may believe in the stars or you may not, but I have found astrology to be completely on point - particularly over the past three years - much to my own chagrin. And while it makes me a little nervous to head into new life territories and move on from what I've become acclimated to, as well as noting that my moon sign (which represents inner self and emotion) is also Scorpio, this is a day I have been looking forward to for some time. Although now that it's here, I'm slightly sad to see it go --- slightly, because I do feel I have overcome, found myself and experienced more in three years than I ever could have imagined. 

Three years ago I had just moved out from living with The Ex ; I was acclimating to living with a stranger; I was finding myself again and making new friends. And the amazing things and stories and WTF moments grew from there - exponentially.  I hope it keeps on going this way...but perhaps with less hard-hitting lessons. Then again, I know so much more now than I did back then and I feel so much stronger and self-aware, so maybe I won't fall quite so hard on my own face.

I'll see you in Scorp, Saturn. We'll see where that takes us. Thanks for the ass-kicking...dick. :)

The Power of Full Moons: "Best of luck, kid."

It would be difficult to impossible to sum up last week quite quickly, but I’m going to do my best. I would like to preface this by reminding everyone that my Saturn retrograde is due to exit my sign this weekend. And I’m nearly convinced that all these things are going on as part of that shift. The stars also suggested last week that I would encounter items of closure, particularly in relationships – being romantic, platonic or professional. And lastly, said: "At the end of the month, a high-powered Aries full moon lights up your seventh house of committed partnerships. A relationship that had a turning point in April, around the Aries new moon, comes full circle now."

 As PI would later put it, “Dickens was writing your Saturday…you had a sexual Christmas Carol going on.”

First, let me preface this by saying that earlier in the week 1. MH, a guy from online dating I’d been kind of seeing, but had no real interest in stopped talking to me because on Sunday I suggested he go home and not sleep at my house, which he totally invited himself to do, which at first I agreed to because hi. I like to spoon. I like to kiss. And don’t really tie anything to someone sharing a bed – but then he waffled about leaving (at least 4 times he said “I’m leaving”. Then “I’m staying.” “I’m leaving.” “Okay, I’ll stay.”) It was like goodbyes by Anne Heche. After all this, I decided wanted to sleep well and suggested he go home and would thank me tomorrow. And gave him a kiss before going. To which he responded. “Are you fucking with me”. Yes. I’m fucking with you. I like to cuddle. I like to kiss. I also like to sleep in my bed alone before a long week. But sure, ya, I'm just fucking with you.

Can you hear my eyes roll?

So I guess he decided to pout. And as I discussed with a girlfriend the next day: eventually he was getting the boot, so he gave himself his own out. Works for me. So that’s the end of that.

Also, 2. Last week HG started chatting me up again. He had briefly contacted me the week before and I had discussed with a girlfriend how uncomfortable it made me: Like I was talking to a stranger I felt like I should know, but didn’t. Last week was more of a comfortable conversation. So, that's nice, I suppose.

And then 3. The Ex emailed me back about a situation that happened months ago. He randomly texted me – we don’t talk much since he started dating the last girl, I assume – and I ended the conversation “don’t be a stranger” to which he replied “I will” and I went off. Because, well, this. And vodka. So I finally remembered to reply to his email and say thanks and explain that this is why I got upset. His response was pleasant and added that he is engaged. "Good" was my first thought. It was never my intent to break both of our hearts so that we could end up alone. I’m happy that he found someone. My second thought was that it bothered me that he seemed hesitant to tell me because I would be upset because I’m almost 29 and single. I chose this.

So, world, not every 29 year old wants to be married, mk?

So then the culmination of a week of so much weird happened on the full moon on Saturday. After an 11 mile training run, I went kayaking with friend and roommate of PE (who had subtly and not-so-subtly been attempting to get in my pants on and off since NYE), then out with GFC in an area we both realized we were heading to that night, so he said he’d meet up with me and maybe "borrow my bed" (uh-huh) after the bars so he was closer to where he needed to be in the morning. See also: Spooning.

And it started out like this: We walked in the bar and upstairs and I saw the side of the head of PE. He didn't see me and in a very HIMYM moment I immediately turned around, ducked and walked back down the stairs. Meanwhile, my girlfriend has no idea and is at the stop of the steps yelling down to me "No, that's the bartender we know!" So I signal for her to come down the steps and say "I think that's [PE] up there". She goes up to check; comes down to confirm. We relocate to the back bar downstairs where another bartender we know is usually working (till and we, or I rather, get tipsy enough to not care about the awkward situation that will be upstairs). He is. And we are immediately 1. hit on and 2. and more importantly, given free drinks and shots. It was like bugs to a fly strip. I felt like I was living a sitcom.

 I then texted the guy I went kayaking with and asked if he was out with PE. He replied "No, is he out?".

"He's here," I responded. He laughed and later showed up to the surprise of his roommate. After a bit, we did go upstairs, now with a strange entourage of guys really hoping to take either of us home – one of which would later pout. Why? Well…let me tell you.

Remember Football guy from February? We had chatted via text until April and then crickets, which was fine; what did I care? Well he texted me Labor Day weekend (at 2am) that he was in town. I was out of town; told him try again. On Saturday he texted me; he was in the area and out on the other side of DC. I told him the area I was – expecting to hear “Oh maybe next time.” About 30 minutes later, he texts that he’s next door to where I am and I tell him to come to our bar. He does.

I talk to him, the guy that had followed me upstairs (strangely assuming I would go home with him; of which I gave no indication) is now throwing a fit “he stomped around and I’m pretty sure his nostrils were flaring”, my girlfriend later recounted.

So now my kayaking friend (who is waiting to see if he can get into my pants bed) is standing against the wall, well-aware his convenience sex bed is now in jeopardy, and next to his roommate (who’s game we clearly crashed) that I used to date (or something like it). The other guy is throwing a fit (nostrils flaring, I'm later told), while I'm talking to this rando I met on a sidewalk 7 months ago.

Time and drinks pass and next thing I know, I’m outside my house on the sidewalk. FG had paid for a cab. We’re making out outside when he stops, looks at me and says: "I have to be honest. I have a girlfriend. I should go."

Slightly dumbfounded and pretty annoyed, I go back to my house and mildly scold him for being an idiot via text. YOU CHASED ME DOWN, you ridiculous turd, I thought. He texts back that night overly and weirdly apologetic about that situation (sounding on his side like he was breaking up with a girl he’s known forever).

What. I mean wait. WHAT?! This weirdness lasts a little longer. I say goodbye. I pass out.

I wake up and realize that the lying was annoying, but I suppose that it’s respectable that he has this new girlfriend he wants to respect. I text him today to tell him that I’m not upset with him because we all do dumb shit some time. And this, my loves, is the exchange that followed:

 

And then I shit my pants* because WHO DOES THAT. And who says that?! AND HE'S HAD A GIRLFRIEND ALL ALONG?! ...and he thinks he's going to marry her. Um... That poor girl. And since when is being an immature douche a psychological disorder?!

 I HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE TO DIAGNOSE! 

This weird explanation didn't even make sense. It doesn't match up with the strange texts from night before. Or months before or when he proposed in March that I come over to his house to spoon while I was in town. How was he going to explain that visit to his live-in girlfriend?! Lord only knows who he's trying to convince because I don't even think he buys what he's selling. So, I laughed and rolled my eyes - because I've come to know his type - and ended the exchange with: Well anyways. Best of luck, kid.

So that's that story. Sort of hilarious. Oh Universe, you cockblock. That was an interesting, surprise prediction by the stars...and a throwback for the books. But it is becoming more and more clear that the universe is up to something and I’m growing increasingly curious as to what it is that it has in store. For the time being, I rather enjoy the musings…much to my own surprise.



*by shit my pants, I mean laugh and share the new knowledge to those aware of the story, which received this response: if i didn't actually know you, i don't think that i would believe that all those things could happen to you.