On Finding My Grace

“Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” ― E. Gilbert

I think we all get a little lost sometimes. Like a cataclysm, ever since I realized I had to let go of something I finally thought I deserved to have, I’ve felt in a bit of a tailspin: From uncharacteristically passing out on a party bus, to pseudo-impulsive trips across the earth (don't get me wrong, I'm still excited about this), to drunken freak-outs in a cab with strangers – to which the cab driver was apparently my therapist. He told me it was all okay. And I don’t know why I have his phone number. Odd. He probably thought: There is something seriously wrong with that girl and bitches got issues. I did. I do: All wounds need time to heal. But I am not a bitch. I’m generous and kind and forgiving – I just got lost a minute. And I wish the world would return the favor. It’s not ready yet, okay, I have to accept that and re-find my footing - sans the world's help. I lost balance again, because just before we'd met, I was just finding it after a long and drawn out mess -- and it didn’t have time to set.

Then, I got wrapped up in the guy; I felt my balance slip beneath his apprehensions. I had to let go of something I wanted with all of my heart because I knew, in my head, it wasn’t time: My feelings turning reminiscent of the mess. And I realize it was more than him. Now that I’ve taken to time to realize – after some volcanically tantamount questionable decisions, drunken nights, self-reflection...and a little Neil Young – that it wasn’t time for me either. Four months ago I was just finding my footing again. I was regaining my balance that had been lost. Trampled, even. I was finding my way. And I was doing it all by myself. I have a horrible tendency to lose myself in others; I realize this is something about myself I need to change. I have to be comfortably independent – and secure with that notion. I had my footing; I made my marks in the sand, then I lost it in the apprehension and reminiscence, but it's time to re-find those footprints and stand firm.

I must find my grace; balance is beauty. And I’ll take this time – the last remaining months of the stars meant to challenge me - and challenge myself. To grow; to take care of me; to become who I want to be; to be proud of the things that I do; and to accept the things I cannot change. Because there is so much truth in these words (that they left me breathless) and I need to love me more most. Something I learned already, but forgot to remember. I remember now; I'll find my grace and re-balance with the delicate footing of life’s challenges. One day it will all come together. 

via post secret week: 2/12/12 (perma)

Does this sound crazy? A little. I'm okay with that. I'll be back to normal soon. Perhaps, even better.