The Universe is Testing Me

"No matter how much you change, you still have to pay the price for the things you've done." -The Town

He never treated me right. He ruined what could have been something beautiful. When I needed him, he dropped me –  But. That connection was a drug.I  forgave, because I thought maybe I wouldn't have loved me either (and it’s hard for immature boys to understand that when its hardest to be there for someone, is when they need you the most; I thought I could show him). But. Tortured still, I listened to my dream and let go. I ran away from something I wanted so badly in an effort to save a friendship – a strong, strong connection. But. He drug me back in. He led me on. He cast me as the fool. He dated her. And he lied to both of us. He did this for months. He was, in short, a total selfish prick. But. I found out. He apologized. He owned up. He wanted to save the friendship – the connection too – he says, that’s why he did it: not to lose me, he says. I want to believe he is sorry. I want to believe he has learned. I want to believe I was that important to him; that he fucked up a relationship he really wanted to keep me in his life. But. I don’t want to be the fool AGAIN. I don’t want to be a naive little girl still attached to something she can find entertaining and enriching in doing nothing at all. I don’t want to so simply forgive and reward the actions of a little boy, who broke the heart of a girl, who deserved everything but. But.

I’m finding it difficult lately to not be understanding. To not simply educate people in the ways they are doing things wrong. I’ve been there. We all have. And likely will be again. I have made mistakes. Just as I ignored my intuition, he ignored that voice inside his head going: this isn’t right. But in the same manner that I ignored myself – excusing his actions to keep something, a connection I felt – he ignored what he formerly would have known as right. (Or didn’t realize till now, as I become another lesson for another little boy.)

I’m finding it difficult lately to hold a grudge. To simply not feel the need to “punish” someone for their wrong-doings and their lies – but it hurts me too. That was my friend. That is my friend?

I’m finding it difficult lately that I feel as though I’m being too understanding, too numb to the pain I think I should feel and that everyone around me wants to hold a grudge more than I do - to say “fuck that asshole for hurting you"; I’d be stupid to forgive him (and be friends). To simply not cut him out of my life forever – or for a time – to make a point and re-evaluate what is good for me; survival.

I’m left wondering if it hurts me more to pretend it never happened. To understand that everything I thought was happening was or was going to – and I chose to ignore it nonetheless. Is it easier to accept the blame for what I can, so I don’t have to hold onto the negativity of his fulfillment of my prophecies and my heart aching? Does my lip quiver when I look into his eyes because he hurt me? Or because I’m afraid I’m looking into the eyes of a kindred spirit whose loss I've already mourned? They all want him to be dead in my heart, but it beats a little to know that I’m not perfect either; and it breaks a little because those kind of kindred spirits are few and far between – and what if he only pretends to realize that too, to suit his story?

I’m presented with both sides at once. The side of the broken girl – thrown about and lied to – never treated the way she deserved. Never spoken the words she needed to hear. Never offered more than what was just good enough. And the other: The friend of a guy who is in line to potentially break two girls, asking for advice on how to navigate what I’m currently trying to recover from. I cannot have the answer without emotion. The universe parallels these timelines and with such cruel accuracy. I understand my friend means no harm, but what he is doing (or rather did until I approached him as a broken girl from the other side of his scenario) isn’t right. Its hurtful and harmful and selfish. And it’s time to grow up. I know he didn’t mean anything by it – and the excuses he deemed valid until he thought about what I’d said, he realizes are ridden with guilt – but should I apply this to my situation too? The pain of supporting a friend from the other side of someone prancing on your heart – you are a cruel universe, Universe…or are you trying to tell me something?

At this point, it seems easiest to forgive and hope the boys learn. To put trust where it is nowhere near deserving – where I never put trust before – and hope that, in the end, my faith in life lessons is once where I put my faith in myself. And it all works out in the end.

We’ve all been there. I’ve been forgiven when I least deserved it. Loved when I wasn't worthy of loving. Am I just making excuses while the island is sinking in hopes I’ll reach the sky? Or is the juxtaposition of the two situations - and a grim reminder that life is oh-so-short - an indication that it time to pay it forward, forgive the unforgivable, and hope for the best?

I am I numb still? Is it apathy? Am I lazy? Am I worn out? Broken? Stupid? What is it to say if I’m willing to put hope where all hope is lost? 

Addendum:

Just after writing this, said "friend"(who I dated for 3 years and have been friends with for 10) has managed to make said "total selfish prick" look like a saint. Exact conversation from beginning to end, as follows:

“Friend”:  It makes me so angry when I am clearly at fault for something and the girl apologizes.

 me:  ...

well.

it makes me angry too.

“Friend”:  Ugh.

 me:  is there more?

“Friend”:  Always.

Have a migraine.

 me:  ...

“Friend”:  Im just so frustrated and confused with this whole situation.

 me:  well. you created it. imagine their confusion.

“Friend”:  Its not getting clearer...and when I think it is, it gets all muddled again

 me:  i don't follow

“Friend”:  I can't help feelings, [sic].

So, seriously...get off your fucking high horse about this.

 me:  i believe that. but actions you can.

it's not a high horse, you insensitive asshole.

i'm on the other fucking side of it trying to mend my fucking heart and you want fucking sympathy?!

“Friend”:  Yup.

 me:  i'm falling apart and you want to bitch to me about how you cannot choose between what you want to do. and who you want to do. get out of your own fucking head for a second and realize you're not the only one with "feelings".

“Friend”:  Nah im good.

 me:  oh, really? are you sure? cause it's all youv'e talked about since i sobbed on the phone with you because a guy did to me what you're "struggling" to do to other girls - you know, after i cried and you said you'd call me back. and, you know, never did. except last night, when you wanted to talk some more about the situation and how it wasn't like mine, when all you did was prove to me that it was more like my situation than ever. and at least [total selfish prick] owned up to it.

The universe is testing me. And I have no clue what the answer.

White Trash?

Last week, while reading Post Secret, I was particularly struck by 1 2 cards. The waterfall. And this one:

I have NEVER considered myself white trash. Middle class, yes. Blue collar, yes. Trash? Absolutely not.

I was so struck by this notion that the pools we thought kids in our neighborhoods were lucky to have, people I have asked consider them "white trash".  Still twiddling my thumbs over the notion, I decided to comment on it here. So, by the power of Google, I found it again. And noted the first comment: 

When I was a kid, an above ground pool was just a reasonable middle class option. "Cultured" friends who would make fun of that aren't really that cultured. [...]

Sometimes I wonder if I haven't thought enough. Or if the things I don't realize are blessings in disguise. I was caught off-guard by the thought that I didn't realize something so obvious to others was something I wasn't aware was part of defining "class", but I think where we came from is important to remember. And in life sometimes it's best to simply go with the "reasonable option".

Why should anyone judge a person by who they have been and where they came from if the person who stands before you is worth knowing?

Go! Fast!

Leave.

LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE.

And don't look back.


There is no polite way to say "get the fuck away from me". Addendum: "and don't come back".

Run.

50 Qs

50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind.  

1.       How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 20 something. My friend's grandmother once said it was the most challenging  (hardest) years of your life. So I'm somewhere in there.

2.      Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying. Totally guilty.

3.      If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Money.

4.      When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? It’s not done yet. Ask me when I’m dead.

5.       What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? That so few people hold so much power, and so many people are powerless.

6.      If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Improving the lives of others. Helping others.

7.       Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? Settling. Right now it’s about survival. (And "stories".)

8.      If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? "Love" would be relegated to “good enough” instead of “happily ever after”.

9.      To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? 90 degrees. I don’t know.

10.   Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing the right things right.

11.    You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do? Tell them. I would only ever admire someone that was as honest and forthcoming as I try to be. They would respect me for protecting my friend and likely apologize. The conversation would move on to more positive things. Lord knows why anyone I would respect and admire so much would be gossiping in the first place.

12.   If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? (Just) Breath.

13.   Would you break the law to save a loved one? What law? What loved one? Save them from what? Probably.

14.   Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? Yes. I find them often intertwined entities. 

15.    What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Think (logically, usually – my train of thoughts is many directions) – especially about math.

16.   How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? We’re all different.

17.    What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back? Get married/have kids.  Life, myself and the lack of “lasting true love”. And experience and modern medicine, so I am in no rush.

18.   Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Yup, probably.

19.   If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? Closer to my family, somewhere with adventure, or lots of nice weather. All three would be great.

20.  Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? Sometimes. No. Unless the elevator is in the ghetto…or my office building.

21.   Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? Simpleton.

22.  Why are you, you? Who else would I be?

23.  Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Yes. I. Have.

24.  Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Both suck. But the latter is just silly apathy.

25.   What are you most grateful for? Love.

26.  Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? Lose the old.

27.   Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? Yea.

28.  Has your greatest fear ever come true?  No?

29.  Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now? Matter in the way that it has affected the outcome of my life to this point? Yes, it totally mattered, but for the better.

30.  What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special? I’m not sure I have one. There were moments, but usually clouded by something else. Trips with my grandparents were great; I’ll pick all of those. They veiled the other parts of life and opened our eyes to small adventures and different places.

31.   At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? When I was terrified of falling in love. I should have just let go of every insecurity and fallen. But I didn’t and now I wonder "what if". Lesson learned, I suppose.

32.  If not now, then when? Later. Procrastination 101. Duh.

33.  If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? Self assurance? And a goal...though I suppose you could just create a new goal.

34.  Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? See question 31.

35.   Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? The universe is paradoxical.

36.  Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? No. The funny thing about evil is that it probably seems like the best thing in the world – until you get burned. It’s the good stuff we always sit there questioning when we shouldn’t.

37.   If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? This job? Probably. But I would still work.

38.  Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? Absolutely 1000% choice B.

39.  Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Yea. Sometimes.

40.  When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? Never. My convictions are much like my talents: Waiting to emerge.

41.   If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? Family. Do they know too? We’d all be together – eat pierogies. Drink vodka and wine.

42.  Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? No. Both appear to be more of a curse.

43.  What is the difference between being alive and truly living? One breathes. The other inhales life in all it’s glory.

44.  When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? When doing what’s right can still pay my student loans every month so the government doesn’t throw me in jail.

45.   If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Learning is painful and difficult. We don’t make mistakes to learn, we learn from mistakes so we have a reason to move forward and not be mad at ourselves. Or repeat said mistakes.

46.  What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Moot point: I would judge me.

47.   When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? When my nose whistles. IN the middle of a deep, soft and private conversation. Hey there, awkward timing.

48.  What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? Love. No. Kinda.

49.  In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that? I will remember it as an entire year of learning and making it through this ebb. Life goes by moments and waves, not days and specifics.

50.  Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? The government has me by the school loan balls. Unless you are completely un-law-abiding, someone is always making a decision for you. Where your money goes. If you want to stop at that intersection. Even vegabonds aren’t as free as they’d like to think. I feel stagnant; it’s half my fault, half not. 

Huh. I don't feel free. Do I get my money back? Oh, the internet is free?

The One Where Someone Stole My Shoes (and the Resurrection of A/C)

I swear stuff like this only happens to me.

This past weekend was 4^th of July. Trying to get rid of all the confused negative feelings and shake off some of the stress and anxiety that has resulted in this damn year, (stupid 2011) my weekend filled up fast and I played along. My friend came up from Richmond to visit. A group went to the Nats Pirates game. The Pirates lost. Already buzzed after metro pre-gamming (this is how we tailgate in the city, kids), a sizable frozen beverage, a New Castle, and some Red Bull vodka fed corn hole, we headed to our bar. And by "our" bar, it’s like cheers – they know our name(s) – only slightly more debaucherous.  We close the bar, then go to the 24 hour diner and eat inhale country fried steak (and whatever else they put in front of us. That toast never stood a chance.)­.

Pass out. Wake up. It’s fucking hot. I realize my A/C (window unit – the house I live in has no central air) is broken. It’s still cold air, but only creating it for it to drip out and fall than actually being blown around the room. I become convinced it’s temporary, that the fan is just messed up, and will fix itself – and that I will wait, because if I go out and buy a new unit today, then the damn thing will just start working again. Once at BBQ 1, I become concerned by the heat and how it was hard enough to sleep drunken in the hot room, let alone sober. We discuss giving up, going to Wal-Mart (::gross::) and buying a new unit so we can sleep in a normal climate. By the time we decide, Wal-Mart is closed. (Evidently they are not all 24 hours. This is how often I shop at Wal-Mart.) So then we go to the bar to celebrate a friend’s birthday. Afterwards, we head home and sleep in the heat.

The next day he planned to leave. But I convinced him to help me swap out the old A/C unit with the new. We depart for our purchase, as I state “I know it’s going to turn on as soon as I get a new one”. We return, $140 later, with a new unit. I state, “I swear to god this thing better not turn back on” as I go to I do the final pressing-of-the-power-button-to-make-sure-it’s-still-broken maneuver. Lo and behold, the god damn fucker works. Like there was never a problem. It taunted me, I swear. So, we put the new unit back in the box and reload my trunk. He leaves.

I take a shower to get ready for BBQ 2. After the shower I lay in bed in my robe (as is one of my very favorite things to do), and enjoy my nice cool room again. I’m watching TV when a storm rolls in. The power flickers. “Don’t you dare…”, I say. The power comes on. Then back off again a few minutes later. This goes on for a while while the storm rolls through. The lights go off again. “You’re going to come back on, lights,” I demand pleasantly, appealing to the electricity gods. They didn’t listen. Thirty minutes after I got it back, I lost my cool air again (for twelve hours).

I put on some clothes and make-up in the dark, then head over to the BBQ with wet hair and a straightener in my purse. I would have preferred (having been so tired from the hot, restless sleep the night before) to just say home and veg out, but without power, I was powerless – so there I was: BBQ 2, which lead to another night out, which ended up at “my” bar. There I proceeded to dance a lot, and what I can only conclude was: Spill on my shoes so they got slippery and forced me to take them off to continue dancing on the bench. Priorities people! Later, in a timeframe of which I cannot recall - as Jager tends to steal timeframes and run away from me with them, giggling - my shoes were gone. I looked for them, but, alas, there’s a little blond girl at 3am on Sunday, in the middle of the District, clearly drunk and hailing a cab in her bare feet. Typical.

The following day was July 4th: BBQ 3 was relaxed. It figures I’m sober on the day the world 'Merca is drunk off their bottoms and celebrating “independence”. My feet were far too swollen from my dehydrating weekend; it’s okay, I’ll be different.

Holy Sh*t

In this week's Post Secret:
This is the waterfall (and flat cliff I climbed) in my dream months ago,
 when my grandmother came to me and showed me how to let go of the rope
I was stuck swinging on above the tree tops and she told me "just let go" - - -

Weird.

(Maybe I'm not crazy to call things premonitions.)

"In Poland, All Dancing is Pole Dancing"

Perusing imgur the other day, I came across this line in the form of an ugly jpg, so I decided to design a t-shirt (again) out of it...like I have any idea what I'm doing.