Suppose To Be's

For as long as I can remember, I have filled my life with "suppose to's".  A couple of years ago, in the midst of my relationship falling apart, I went to see a psychic. I also went to a psychic fair. And each one: the psychic, the palm reader, the crystal reader and the card reader all told me the same thing: Let go of your suppose to be's.

I think it's true that a lot of women go to psychic types for guidance sometimes. Guidance and entertainment. It's like therapy on LSD that presents you with the future (if you go to a good reader). However it came out with each one, it still elicited the same response in the rocks and paper and hands and medium: You have to let go of your suppose to be's.

In that relationship, I clung on to my suppose-to-be's and let go of trying (and I'm happy today that I did). But I'm a Libra. I envision life in a romanticized sense. Everything illuminated. Love. Electricity. Roses. And Fairy Tales coming true.

I know. Life isn't a fairy tale. But a Libra could wish, no?

***

Over the past year, I've learned some very important lessons that perhaps I knew already, but decided to ignore. And I'm done caring what other people think: They don't see how you see and can't feel what you feel. Getting advice is nice and all, but when it comes down to it, you have to follow your heart. And trust your instinct. I had trouble trusting my gut, clinging on to a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure because the world disagreed with what I was doing. And then I spent so long dealing with the repercussions of heeding others warnings and taking their advice and not trusting my gut and listening to my head over my heart. Every whisper of wisdom from friends was what my mind thought too, so of course that's the right answer. And then I learned that with all the logic and reason in the world - despite the fight of intellect, instinct will rule.

And no matter what anyone says and all the negative words that I would have let get to me before, 120 days of torture have taught me that no amount of approval or disapproval will or should ever sway the decisions of one's heart. That beat, the tugging strength of desire, is immeasurable. Ignoring it likely leads many to madness. The ideas of others aren't beating, they can't understand. Sometimes you just have to say: Fuck you guys, I'm following my heart. Whatever that means. And where ever that leads me, is and where I'm - and how it's - suppose to be.