January and September

Last January I made a decision to back off the vodka. I listened, I did. And I liked the outcome. Lately I haven't been drinking much - and maybe out to the bars for the night once a month. After a particularly tough two weeks (with family stuff) - and with my head swirling with questions and dissatisfaction and I'm quite scared and don't know what to do, I decided I wanted a few drinks to relax. I never drink if I'm upset and I thought I was okay, but, as it turns out, my mind was tricking me and I was just finding my way back down from a height of emotions. Later in the evening, vodka had all the words I had written down and ready to say as myself, come out as some crazy Russian lady who misinterprets things being said and has some of the strangest, most irrational, not myself and frankly embarrassing retorts. Should have listened to myself from that post from last year. Vodka, my dear friend, you fucking cut off at two, you dirty slut.

Last September I made the decision to just be honest with myself. I even wrote a blog. And I said it set me free. And oh, dear god, did it. It was amazing. And in the months that followed, it was filled with some of the best days of my year...and some of the worst. As I forgot to listen to myself in my words of wisdom and sheer honesty - and instead panicked in a state of insecurity and lack of following logical intuition. Love suicide. Instead of being myself, I was this state of panic punctuated by dates I had comfort and security and THIS IS ME. But since I wasn't honest, as I had previously stated to myself, it came off as crazy. Despite a late explanation, fueled by the vodka fire of ridiculous words and hope for understanding, I feel I have fucked up. It became totally apparent that no one is to blame. But, my frustration with myself burrows my soul. Precisely what I was trying to prevent by keeping it in - by not being honest - came out in a ball of fury and misunderstanding. All which have could have been prevented by more communication and me, frankly, just being honest. And less afraid. Myself. I just need to be myself.

I hope there's time to see the honest to goodness the lord made me this way i'm not perfect but i could be for you me. Somewhere.