And When I Woke Up My Mouth Tasted Like Stupid Decisions

In yet another round of stupid drunk decisions, I ended up back at the bartender's couch place. And left very shortly after for expressing that there would be no relations happening. Then why would you go back there, you ask? Because, as I discovered in a discussion about the on-goings of yet another messy Saturday night, my general indecision in life leads to awkward situations in Drunkland. Evidently, in not making any decision on my own, it takes me to wherever whoever I’m with is going. I know, it sounds bad – but I suppose it depends on the company you keep. Historically, mine has been good. Here and there it’s has totally hic-cupped. But I have a plan.

From now on, before I get drunk, I will have a plan of action in mind. Perhaps I’ll set an alarm. But I think that if maybe I make choices before I go to decision-less drunk, I might just make it home without a 3 to 4 hours walk around the District. And how did you end up on a 4 hour trek through the District, you ask? Well, friends, after the no relations comment, it was suggested it was time for me to leave. I agreed whole-heartedly, called him an “asshole” as a shut the door behind me and started on my walk to – well, I suppose I was walking to my car. My plan was to eat some of the food I have in my trunk from the grocery store a few weeks ago (don’t ask) and sleep there till the morning. (Cause, damnit, I’m broke and a cab is like 15-20 bucks!)

I started at 40th and something, far from anything – really. My car was at 21st and L. Normally I would use my phone's GPS, but my phone was conveniently dead as of 12:19am. So, on my own, I made it up to Wisconsin and 34th. I walked back and forth a lot and thanks to time traveling, do not remember the bulk of it. For miles. Proof: My calves are still sore – and rather unforgiving. Chances are I started walking at about 4am (since we went to an after-hours bar before I walked in and out of his door). I decided it was time give up the search and catch a cab when I noticed the sun was rising. (Thankfully, on account of an unplanned, though very social day involving a haircut, a winery, a bbq and then the bar - for all of which I was sober for up until 1:30am, I was wearing a shirt and a hoodie with flip-flops, so I looked like maybe walking around alone at 4am and 5am and 6am and 7am wasn’t so weird.) So I flagged down one of like two cabs out at that time.

While in the cab, reading the meter tick my money away, I looked in my wallet only to discover that ALL OF MY MONEY AND CREDIT CARDS WERE GONE! Fuck! Freaking out commences. “Excuse me, cabbie. Someone stole all my money and cards, I need to go home instead because I have money there.” So we turn around from where we just came from. I watch the meter tick my backtracking.

Five minutes later I’m still frantically searching for my money because why would someone steal my license too, right?! I check my bra – where I often tuck things like cash and cards - and viola! EVERYTHING WAS THERE. Thank you, Left Breast. In the moments of pulling my life back out from Victoria's Secret, I remember that I had earlier taken everything out of my wallet and put it in my bra, just in case I got mugged. Although, seriously, I remember seeing one other person the whole time. But, you know me: Safety first. Obviously.

So $14.75 later, I’m home. I think I downloaded a song. Then I realize my iPod is gone. FUCK! I tweet. Then I roll into bed and pass out at about 8am. The sun is out. At 12 noon I wake up suddenly for no reason, still slightly drunk (I would have been sleeping in my car for a while) and something dawns on me! So I check my other bra cup. MY iPOD! Rock on. Thank you, Right Breast. I fall back asleep till 3:12pm. My roommate takes me to get my car later that day. I drive around contemplating my life when I decide that pre-drinking plan-of-actioning is the new way to go. Oh, and I can no longer go to that bar.

Way to go, dumbass.